on our new addition

Jeff and I got our own Christmas tree for our apartment this year and I love it. It totally makes our apartment feel more holiday-like and I couldn't be happier with it. Somehow it just makes me in a better mood because even though the next three weeks are going to be busy and stressful, the holidays are right around the corner. Plus its an exciting step for Jeff and I together, I've never been able to decorate a home with anyone other than my mom and sister and it makes me so happy to think of him and I together in that sense. As of right now we just have simple white lights with silver ornaments but I think it needs some color, maybe some sparkly red bulbs but we'll see :-)

on the holiday season

We invite you to listen to your desires and to renew your hope, to see the world not as it is, but as it could be. Go ahead, wish. it's what makes the holidays the holidays.

Christmas can't get here soon enough

on mission home

In the last couple months I've really started considering UCD as a higher and higher option for me for school. I love San Diego and the people here, don't get me wrong but somethings changed. I think it might have to do with only having a small group of people I'm connected to here, just a couple friends even though I wish I was closer with others. Plus I think its starting to effect me now that I don't get summers at home anymore, or really, that much time at home anymore. It sounds so meaningless but summers are my one time of the year to sorta relax. It didn't seem weird this summer being here but now I'm starting to feel like I miss it more than I initially thought. I know it would be a big burden off Jeff as well because even though he doesn't say it as much anymore, I know he wants to be home. I think at this point, I'll definitely apply to UCD.... and go from there.

ps- I can't WAIT for Thanksgiving break... 13 more days

on the dreaded 4.0

I suddenly just got stressed about my life. I have 4 semesters left at State, and really only 2 semesters left until I apply for medical school and I don't know if I'll get into the schools that I want. My GPA isn't bad by any means but I looked at UCSD's average scores for people in 2008 and I'm right on the line. And I don't know how this semester is going to pan out. Granted if I get a 4.0 for the rest of the time that I'm here I'll be happy with my GPA but I honestly don't know if that's possible. This semester is tough, well actually its just physio that's tough and I legitimately don't know if I can pull off a B, let alone an A. I've gotten good grades before but now I look back and think, "if I only would have tried a little harder and gotten A's instead of -A's". Its hard for me to balance all the studying I know I SHOULD do with the amount that I actually do since I live with Jeff. I don't want to just desert him for the rest of the semester but I don't want to get bad grades either. Maybe I just need to talk to him about it and tell him how stressed out I am and maybe he'll be ok with me living in the library until December.... at least that's what I hope happens.

on love

Love is a verb, not a noun. It can only be experienced when it is flowing. When we become a source of love, when it flows through our eyes, our voice, our prayers and the selfless acts of loving kindness that we offer to others, then we feel happiness.

on the importance of money

I hate having to stress about money, especially since I know I shouldn't. I have family who pays for the things I need and a boyfriend who treats me to things I want. But yet I still get stressed and constantly check my bank account to see what else has been paid for. I just wish I didn't have to think about money as much as I do. Its not that I want to spend tons of money on new clothes or a new phone or things that are lavish, I just want to get coffee with a friend, or tea when I'm sick, or something nice for the apartment. I think it will be better once I can get a pay check from the lab because its been almost a year since I've actually earned money. I know I shouldn't stress and frantically go searching for a job but sometimes I just want to vent and have someone hand me 5 bucks and say its going to be alright. *sigh*

on the summer of a grown up

Sometimes I step back and look at the position I'm in and wonder.... how the hell did I get here? I live in San Diego California. I am a junior at San Diego State University. I have found my soul mate. I have a real job that is searching for a cure for cancer. I'm on track to graduate in 4 years. I have a decent shot at getting into medical school.

But then the joy and the amazement I had one second vanishes and I'm left with worry, and stress, and anxiety. I worry every single day that I'm working so hard for the one true thing I've wanted to be all my life and that there is a definite chance I wont get there; that I'll study my ass off for the MCAT and not get the score I want; that I'll work so hard in my classes but they'll be the same classes everyone else is taking with the same grades everyone else is getting; that I'll volunteer like everyone else, I'll work in a lab like everyone else, I'll get letters of recommendation like everyone else; that I'll just be..... like everyone else. And to be completely honest, I don't know what else to do about it.

I'm just worried that I'll give it my all and I'll get the small envelope in the mail instead of the large envelope and a bunch of rejections.