When the Days Get Tough

The last two days were tough.
In fact, they were some of the hardest days we've had as parents.

Sunday, we didn't get more than a 30 minute nap out of this little boy. In comparison to his 60+ minutes every three hours. We knew he was exhausted. His eyes would get heavy, he'd yawn and fuss. And like always, his tired cues signaled us to take him upstairs, swaddle him, give him the paci, turn on the fan and put him down. But like clockwork he'd wake up in no time at all.

Add in the problem of getting him to eat for any significant amount of time (which deserves a post all of it's own) and by the end of the night he was a total wreck. Too tired to get in a good feed. Too tired to contently sit in the swing or in our arms. Yet too tired to just fall asleep. Who knew babies can be so overtired that it's almost impossible for them to sleep. It seems so counter-intuitive. The night ended with me taking him into our room, stripping down to a bra and diaper (respectively) and finally getting him to sleep on my chest after 30 minutes of screaming, fighting, pushing and lots of tears. He slept there for nearly two hours and I was stuck in bed stressing.

Monday came (after a tough night with two feeds between 10pm & 7am) and I was hoping we were in the clear. His first feed did nothing to calm him and he cried for almost an hour before finally passing out for, yet again, another 30 minute nap. We've been worried about his feeding which prompted a stop by the lactation weight clinic and unfortunately no answers for at least another week.

I had to go into school in the afternoon meaning he would get a bottle while I was gone. As I'm sitting in lab I get a text from J, "Not eating anything" followed by "Just won't drink. Tried different bottles. Tired formula thinking maybe the milk was old. But not drinking an ounce." I immediately couldn't focus. He had gone almost 5 hours without eating a single drop by the time I got home which is totally unlike him during the day. Thankfully I was able to feed him a bottle as well as nurse him in the evening because this mommas heart couldn't take any more.

Feeding and sleeping are essential parts of Mark's life. Who cares if he has a paci until he's 4. It won't matter in the long run if he has to have a fan on at night to be able to sleep. There are tons of potential bad habits we might have to break him of some day. But he needs sleep and food to grow, to be healthy, to be happy. And it tears at your heartstrings when you can't give those things to the little one who needs you.

After spending almost the entire day focused on Mark's eating (or lack there of) and no time studying all the material I'm behind on in school, I felt like throwing in the towel. I couldn't help but feel like a failure in all things. That I should succeed at one, single thing instead of being half-assed at many things. There's no way I can justify passing Mark off to someone else when his eating or sleeping is on the line just to go spend hours upstairs at my desk. I'm his momma for crying out loud. And I feel like I'm failing him.

I know that this is just a stage, a tough one, but one that I'm sure will pass. I've learned to never quit anything on a bad day but sometimes that's so much easier said than done.